A single new year

I am so ready for 2010. There is a lot of deceit and sadness to leave behind. I am already a lot better off than I was when I was being jerked around.

I have several goals for myself, and I am now coming to accept that I will probably be achieving them without somebody with whom to share the accomplishments. I have pretty much found the online dating thing to be a fruitless endeavor. I will still try, because I have faith in myself, and I have set for myself a date of September to stick it out. I have made some interesting observations and discoveries about the online dating world in general, and my local pool in particular. I may need to drop my current service and try one with a different crowd. I probably also need to come to grips with the reality that the Bay Area really isn't for me. I may need to choose to leave the job that I enjoy (and often love) for a place that I can be happy, with whatever job that I can find.

But I have more than enough time to see if anything comes of the Bay Area scene, nine months is a fair shake. There is a lot to do during 2010 in my hopper already, and it may be that by the time somebody decides to really find out how awesome I am, my dance card will already be full of single-me trips. Better for the dog, she gets a lot more attention :D Maybe I'll give her a kiss at midnight...

A single Christmas

Well, One more first out of the way. My first Christmas as a single in 6 years. Thank God for family!

Service with a smile

I'm finally being served! The mediator JUST got around to filing the petition on behalf of my FW (We decided she should be petitioner and me respondent). Now I can be served. Then I can respond. Then we sign some disclosures. Then we wait for judgment, assuming the papers pass the clerk reviews.

FW and I had a nice long conversation today after returning from the mediator. She looked to be in better health than in the last few months, when she had a stream of colds and such. My health, knock on wood, has been great. I have my interpretation of those facts, but I don't bother to share that with her...

In any event, I am totally ready to move on. I feel great about myself and I am over wanting her. Once we have the judgment, I can get to work trying to start my side business without worrying about some lingering entanglement.

Now I can be divorced! I'm a real boy! Broken, but no longer in limbo. Out of the ether and into the scratch and dent bin with the other divorced masses.

Cowboy Chili: An Engineering Lesson

A young cowboy walks into a diner. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

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You might be surprised how many seemingly great ideas have a fatal flaw that you don't see until you dig deeply enough into the details. Sometimes somebody has already treaded that turf and found out. If you are lucky, they will let you know before you waste too much time.

Winter weather

We had a dusting of snow yesterday morning, an unusual, but not unheard of event (the picture is not of this dusting, but of snowmen at the Sapporo snowman festival). This has reinforced my irrational desire to make a snowman. I don't know what prompted it, but about a month ago, I got the thought into my head as something that I need to do this winter. I don't think that it has gone full-blown, Richard-Dreyfus-with-the-mashed-potatoes yet, but I want to address it before it gets there. Maybe this weekend. I have some fun ideas so far. I might think something up on the drive as well.

Online dating good, bad, and scary

Here are some online dating blogs that I have come across, with interesting perspectives and anecdotes.

http://100emails20dates.wordpress.com/ - A San Francisco woman's challenge to herself to give online dating a chance 100 emails and 20 dates. Pretty interesting. I think that I may have offended her with a post that I put up there, because it has disappeared. I wished her luck, but not too much (so that she would keep blogging). One interesting feature that she has is the Bros Round Table, where she interviews her male friends to find out what makes them tick. I think that she misses the point by asking unmarried friends, and therefore she might not get insight from a person that is down the path that she would like to go down. She has sworn off engineers, so it's good for me to know what "type" (to the extent that a "type" can be defined) will not be a good match. [edit: Apparently my comment went into a moderation queue, and I didn't offend her, which is a relief, because that was not my intent at all. It's funny that she has sworn off engineers, because overall, she seems pretty cool to me. See the last pre-edit sentence again...]

http://breadandboys.com/ - Another San Francisco woman's take on things. Some interesting anecdotes, and a bit of a different perspective. I am still trying to figure out the bread metaphor.

http://datingismiserable.com/ Yet another San Francisco woman's take on things. Poor girl really seems to be hard at work trying to find "him" and getting a pretty poor sampling of men in return.

I seem to have found the San Francisco woman section of dating blogs... Perhaps that is fortunate. It is interesting to see. I also kind of find it validating that their experiences match what I had somewhat suspected. I see the kind of men that they are meeting, and how they feel before, during, and afterward, and I see how that scene does not excite me. I doubt that I fit in with that crowd, and I wonder if I need to accept that my real life and online experience will probably be square-peg-in-a-round-hole in this market. Along those lines, I present a less-serious blog...

http://whytherearenogirls.blogspot.com/ - Why There are No Girls in San Francisco, a guy's take on what makes the S.F. dating scene kind of broken. Many observations are cartoonish and obviously meant as sarcasm. Pretty funny stuff, especially when he has a good kernel of truth underlying it.

http://www.gkdating.com/ - I found this one because he apparently dated the woman from Bread and Boys (above) once or twice, and she discovered his blog and job. Kind of creepy, he's a dating coach in San Francisco. I haven't read much, and not sure that I will. Good to know the competition, but it may turn me even more off to the scene.

At this point, I should say that, just as the city itself is, the S.F. dating scene is the focal point and influential for the rest of the Bay Area, but it is its own world. A world that I did not think that I fit into before, and certainly do not feel like I fit into now. Interesting reading though. I found the sites by navigating from one blog's links to the next, so I will probably do the same for a Silicon Valley set of blogs when I run across that. That seems like the dating scene that I will be having to [endure, survive, suffer through].

Yuck.

On the bright side, I found this set by first looking up reviews of Crazy Blind Date, which is something that I might well try (as well as speed dating). Something completely different than I would have dreamed of ever trying or having to try.

The in-between

I did pretty well for the rest of the 40 days since the last post...

Day 40 passed almost without incident on November 24. Almost. At about 11:40PM, my phone rang. I was already asleep and didn't get it in time. I saw the number, and didn't immediately recognize it in my haze. I hit send to dial it back, and just as it dialed, I realized whose number it is. FW's boyfriend's number! I let it ring, and who picks up, but FW. Somewhat embarrassed, she tells me that she mis-dialed my number while trying to call her phone (our numbers differ by the trailing digit) because she got a new ring tone. She apologizes, then I say OK and we say goodnight. UNBELIEVABLE. She knew nothing of my 40 day campaign (I think), so this was just kind of serendipity. There is an interesting symmetry in that I found out about the nature of this relationship when she accidentally sent me a text that as meant for him. The message I got then as I did now was God telling me that I can let her go.

There were three more signs that evening. The first was that I checked my email since I was awake and found that I had received a response to an online dating email that I had sent. I take that as another sign from God to move on... The second was that a little before 1AM FW's boyfriend sent an apologetic text message, obviously very embarrassed and a bit ashamed, assuring me that this would not happen again (as if this was within his control...). I don't know what that means, but it is interesting. The final sign was that overnight my aunt in Portugal, who happens to be a nun, sent me a nice, unsolicited email, wishing me a blessing. Amazing. I perhaps read too much into these events, but I have experienced enough other unusual phenomena that I cannot discount the evidence of God.

The next morning, I sent FW's boyfriend a return text telling him no worries, and that I completely understand.

So I am now moving on with my life, trying my hand at the online dating thing (yuck) with a don't touch-me-with-a-10-foot-pole relationship status that reads "currently separated," until the divorce becomes final, at which point I will gladly change it to "divorced" and keep trying.

So, I will post a little about what it means to try and date for me, and I will try to keep things focused on myself and not expose details of anybody else's life. That is, unless I run across something epically bad or astoundingly wonderful. Then I will be as discrete as I can.

I found some interesting dating blogs, and I will share links to them in another post.

Day 19, still hanging in there

Finally seem to be getting better. There are some deferred plans that I had that I am now working on. Free time will do that, I guess. FW seems to be doing OK.

FW took the financial disclosure paperwork to the mediator.

Just working on keeping my head screwed on straight.

Day 14: Routine

Each day is a routine at this point. A lonely one.

Day 13. Another day

Still plenty of uncertainty. Need to fill out some paperwork for the mediator. Not really motivated. Work is pretty much all of my life during the week at this point. Trying not to fall too deep into it.

Day 11, work

Had a texting exchange with FW. Civilized, nice friendly banter. Another day at work otherwise.

Day 10, Sunday worship

I went to a local church today. FW and I had gone maybe a dozen times when trying to find a church. The music is decent, but not perfect, and that was a turn off for her. The music was also getting progressively louder, and was painful at times. FW is such a talented singer, but hates to perform in public (at least whenever I was in her life). It's a shame, since she has an amazing gift. Anyway, back to the church service...

The other thing that we found disappointing about the church is that the message is often made a little more pop-culture than it needs to be. I felt that the pastor was pretty interesting, and actually dove pretty deep at times, so I decided to go back. I think that I liked what I saw. They moved into a new facility, and seem to be developing a community. I will be going back on Wednesday for their bible study service. I can't say that I agree completely with the pastor's teachings, and disagreed on a few, based upon my own relationship with God. In the past, I wold let that be enough to declare my Sundays better spent elsewhere, but not now. I am content to listen to other viewpoints and experiences, and consider whether or not I feel like there is new insight from them, without judging the messengers.

There is another church, smaller, also in town, that has some of the same feel, maybe with a little less mass-market pop to it, and I'll probably go to some of their Sunday services as well. The worship services are at exactly the same time, so I can't do a double header, and must choose one or the other. I might do Sundays with the smaller one and Wednesdays with the larger one from time to time. I need to get engaged in a community. I also need to find or make some volunteer opportunities. I feel like I need to give something to this world beyond my day job.

It probably blows many people's minds to think of attending two or more churches as an ongoing thing, but I don't see it as a heresy. One of the things that I disagree with is the idea that there is only one right way to heaven, and that anybody living can have that exactly figured out. I have also felt what I believe to be grace, and that has come when I have not been following any particular church's exact ideology.

God bless you all. I know that I have been blessed.

Day 9

A lot of hiking and walking today. No word from FW.

I am getting closer to being able to focus on a path forward. Still difficult.

Update: spoke too soon. Had a good cry this evening. Felt abandoned.

Day 8

Well, a full week since meeting with the divorce mediator. I'm in a lot better place mentally right now. I just realized that today is the first day I haven't cried in a long time. The sunrise was beautiful today on the commute. The still air meant some of the puddles I rode by were glass-smooth, and reflected the morning colors and the sun coming over the mountains. It was truly a great start to a great day.

Work went a lot more smoothly, and I made a ton of progress. I spoke briefly with FW on the phone, and things went well. I called to ask her advice on some pet products, and she was helpful, as expected. A friendly conversation, as friends would have.

She stopped by the house briefly mid-day while I was at work, to let the dogs play a little.

The mediator has sent us the financial disclosure forms, so I'll be working on those this weekend. Fun times.

Day 7

Felt better today. I am ready to think about what the engineering solution for this will be. I know I have some flaws, so I'm going to seek advice from friends, family, pop psychology books, and quite possibly professional counselors.

I will be a much better catch for the next woman. This one would not accept what I already have become and what I will continue to become. She is a lost cause. I owe it to the next love to do my best from now on.

Day 6, the first trial and success

I had a bad feeling when I woke up. I was in a bad mood, angry at FW. I hoped the commute would make it wear off, but it didn't. I kept relapsing into being upset throughout the day, and hoping that things would not work out for her. Each time, I would try to be rational and let it go, understanding that if she were unhappy I would be at least equally so. Most of the commute home it persisted, then I just started channeling the bad energy into pedaling the bike. It worked. Surprised me how well it worked. The rest of the commute was a breeze.

FW stopped by to pick some stuff up just after I got home. I was in a great mood, so it took a lot of the tension away. I asked her if she is serious about wanting to be friends, and she said yes. I told her I would definitely like that. She said she would, too. Then she started talking about wanting to set me up with some acquaintances of hers. Umm, too soon for me, I think. She had mentioned it before, and I declined before. Just weird. Maybe she is in love, and thinks everybody else should be. Maybe she feels guilty. Maybe she has really gone off the deep end.

It was good to see her. Especially when I was in such a good mood. I'm proud of myself for getting through today.

Day 5, evening

FW and I spoke briefly on the phone. She is recovering from being sick. She asked to stop by briefly and pick up stuff. I told her of course, it's still her house. I said life is too short and precious to be mean to those you love.

My friend who had the stroke passed away this evening. Life is too short and precious to waste moments with emotions that will drag you down to bad places.

Morning, Day 5

Pretty lonely. The dog knows this, and does a great job trying to to be company and comfort, but I miss having a woman around to love.

I expect today will have word from the mediator, and that will start to bring some clarity and continue the process of closure.

Not sure what my worth is. I need to get to a resolution and move on. Need to date or something. Weird dreams at night. Last night, dreamed that an older lady friend of my wife called me and asked how I was doing. She asked if we had a second honeymoon when we moved into this house. I said no. She said, "Then you two weren't really trying, were you?"

I should explain my 40 Days tag. I feel like God has carried me through a lot of this. I also feel like the spiritual enlightenment that has come from knowing God is there has kind of been for another reason as well. The enlightenment has been building my faith in God's presence and involvement to toughen me up, and preparing me to go through the real challenge. I don't know if this is the real challenge or not, but I assume it is. I picked 40 days because of its biblical significance and to give myself a realistic, but moderately distant target. I figured if, at the end of 40 days the divorce is official, then I need to start dating. In the meantime, I still take one day at a time, but I know there are a lot more tough days, and 40 days reminds me of how far I have gone and how far I have to go. I wish I had the wisdom to have a 40 day plan to better prepare myself and position myself for success. Maybe I'll draft that up today.

A final thought this morning, from a Google hit on "infidelity blog":
http://relationships.blog-city.com/women_rarely_feel_guilt_about_infidelity.htm

Salvador Escobar opinion

"Cheating Wives Feel Little Guilt Over Sexual Affairs"

A more accurate statement is that women rarely feel guilt about infidelity, period.

Women, in fact, feel entitled to do it when they decide to take that route. Usually the reasons are emotional, irrational, and petty in origin. Common excuses for such horseshit are unavailability (usually because the partner is working to support the woman in question, not to mention kids), to prove a point, upgrading, and just plain nastiness. It nevers ceases to amaze me to profound amount of arrogance, immaturity and false entitlement that abounds in the actions of women when they chose to do this. Women may have the larger brains, but they also have the tiniest of integrity, logic, and class when it comes to being faithful, among other things.

Rather than clearly voice concerns as an adult would, women will often resort to hints, signals, and mindgames to justify cheating. Then when the secret's out, any woman will act like a child that's been told no at a toy store. Of course, we can't forget the insanity label that women are good for placing on others when they've been outed and their shit causes pain on the other party or parties. It's just sickening that women profess to be so much more ahead of men and yet are the equals of a toddler with Down Syndrome when it comes to dealing with any sort of personal responsibility.

Sounds like somebody has been hurt pretty acutely. Mind you, I disagree with the generalization, and it does not strictly apply in my situation, since FW does feel remorse along with entitlement. She has suggested that she would like to hook me up with an acquaintance of hers. I don't know if this is to help her conscience or to help fulfill her responsibility to me. I imagine it is a bit of both. In any event, I don't think it's a good idea. Especially not right now. Very weird to have my wife part of a new relationship. We weren't just boyfriend and girlfriend, and this isn't high school.

Day 4

FW finally responded somewhat today. I was getting worried that she might be really sick, since she was not doing too well the day we went to the mediator. She is OK, which is a relief. I don't need anymore information than that.

Went to work today. 13 hours away from home was probably not conducive to her feeling terribly connected. I now have 13 hours away from home, then an empty house. Well, there's the dog, and the dog is really good :) That poor dog now spends 13 hours alone, but she gets a walk and some snuggle time each day, and that seems to be enough for her. Who knows, though? I thought I was doing enough before...

Found out today that a friend had a massive stroke. My problems are really trivial. He and his wife still wanted to be together, and they are being torn apart. Now that's something worth crying about.

Status (FW = my soon-to-be former wife):
My mood today is: hopeful for the future, disappointed in myself for the past
My finances: uncertain
My relationship with FW: barely communicative, I am not mad or sad or hopeful
My relationship with FW's new lover: non-communicative
My relationship with FW's family: non-communcative
My friends' and family's relationship with FW: non-communicative, some resentment
My relationship with God: Total believer, stepping back away from deep spirituality to re-engage with living. Praying for my friend and his family

Day 3, 37 to go.

My exact status as of right now is between having retained a mediator and having petitions and draft judgment paperwork filed. Friday was the day we retained the mediator. Day 1 in my numbering, because that's the day I think FW felt free to completely go over to her new lover.

FW was not hesitant at all. She was in a hurry to get the process done. She was very cold and distant. I really do hope she's happy. At this point, I just need clarity on my finances, so that I too can move on. She had been very insistent about wanting to remain friends and I felt the same way. She texted me as recently as last Sunday to make sure that I knew she would always be there for me if I needed to talk. She has not responded to the one text and voicemail I left with her since then. That's a shame.

One thing that I do know is that God is there for me, and things will be OK. I have felt in my recent conversations that God wants me to be the best person that I can be, and be kind and fair to her as she goes away and beyond. I have also felt that I was going to be tested. I will post more about my spiritual journey in the future.

Piecing Life Back Together

I don't know if anybody will ever see any of this, and I don't know if anybody will care. I just feel compelled to write, and for more than myself.

First, some background: I am a 33 year old, male engineer and my wife has just left me. That pretty much brings you up to speed with the important details. Further posts will inevitably add to my story.

I am still debating how much detail I will go into, but whatever I post will be true. I think I am inspired to post because I have been comforted in the past by stumbling across other people's blogs where they shared the details of the pain and frustration that they have experienced, and where anonymous posters have actually been of some help and formed a connection.

For now, until the divorce process is over and the healing process is well under way, I will probably be a bit coy with the details of what has happened in the past, and what is happening in the legal procedings, but concentrate more on my feelings as I go through the process.

I think that a quick overview of my status is a good running theme to see if these evolve over time.

Status (FW = my soon-to-be former wife):
My mood today is: hopeful for the future, disappointed in myself for the past
My finances: uncertain
My relationship with FW: non-communcative, I am not mad or sad or hopeful
My relationship with FW's new lover: non-communicative
My relationship with FW's family: non-communcative
My friends' and family's relationship with FW: non-communicative, some resentment
My relationship with God: Total believer, stepping back away from deep spirituality to re-engage with living.

Is anybody else reading this who has going through the same, or have you gone through the same? If you feel motivated to add your wisdom for me and the rest of the online world, then please comment. I won't bite.

I have found a couple of interesting blogs where people have shared similar experiences. One is http://louminatti.blogspot.com/, although he was never as detailed as I am prepared to be about this process. He also deleted his old blog partway through the process I think, eliminating the record of a lot of what he was feeling, a mistake that he now realizes. Occasionally, you see that he is dating again and a lot less depressed. From what I recall, he was physically sick from the emotional rollercoaster. I have also searched Google for similar blogs. I'll put links to them on the sidebar.

Feel free to comment. Generally, only abusive, spam, or posts in bad taste will be moderated.