Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Day 13. Another day
Still plenty of uncertainty. Need to fill out some paperwork for the mediator. Not really motivated. Work is pretty much all of my life during the week at this point. Trying not to fall too deep into it.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Day 11, work
Had a texting exchange with FW. Civilized, nice friendly banter. Another day at work otherwise.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Day 10, Sunday worship
I went to a local church today. FW and I had gone maybe a dozen times when trying to find a church. The music is decent, but not perfect, and that was a turn off for her. The music was also getting progressively louder, and was painful at times. FW is such a talented singer, but hates to perform in public (at least whenever I was in her life). It's a shame, since she has an amazing gift. Anyway, back to the church service...
The other thing that we found disappointing about the church is that the message is often made a little more pop-culture than it needs to be. I felt that the pastor was pretty interesting, and actually dove pretty deep at times, so I decided to go back. I think that I liked what I saw. They moved into a new facility, and seem to be developing a community. I will be going back on Wednesday for their bible study service. I can't say that I agree completely with the pastor's teachings, and disagreed on a few, based upon my own relationship with God. In the past, I wold let that be enough to declare my Sundays better spent elsewhere, but not now. I am content to listen to other viewpoints and experiences, and consider whether or not I feel like there is new insight from them, without judging the messengers.
There is another church, smaller, also in town, that has some of the same feel, maybe with a little less mass-market pop to it, and I'll probably go to some of their Sunday services as well. The worship services are at exactly the same time, so I can't do a double header, and must choose one or the other. I might do Sundays with the smaller one and Wednesdays with the larger one from time to time. I need to get engaged in a community. I also need to find or make some volunteer opportunities. I feel like I need to give something to this world beyond my day job.
It probably blows many people's minds to think of attending two or more churches as an ongoing thing, but I don't see it as a heresy. One of the things that I disagree with is the idea that there is only one right way to heaven, and that anybody living can have that exactly figured out. I have also felt what I believe to be grace, and that has come when I have not been following any particular church's exact ideology.
God bless you all. I know that I have been blessed.
The other thing that we found disappointing about the church is that the message is often made a little more pop-culture than it needs to be. I felt that the pastor was pretty interesting, and actually dove pretty deep at times, so I decided to go back. I think that I liked what I saw. They moved into a new facility, and seem to be developing a community. I will be going back on Wednesday for their bible study service. I can't say that I agree completely with the pastor's teachings, and disagreed on a few, based upon my own relationship with God. In the past, I wold let that be enough to declare my Sundays better spent elsewhere, but not now. I am content to listen to other viewpoints and experiences, and consider whether or not I feel like there is new insight from them, without judging the messengers.
There is another church, smaller, also in town, that has some of the same feel, maybe with a little less mass-market pop to it, and I'll probably go to some of their Sunday services as well. The worship services are at exactly the same time, so I can't do a double header, and must choose one or the other. I might do Sundays with the smaller one and Wednesdays with the larger one from time to time. I need to get engaged in a community. I also need to find or make some volunteer opportunities. I feel like I need to give something to this world beyond my day job.
It probably blows many people's minds to think of attending two or more churches as an ongoing thing, but I don't see it as a heresy. One of the things that I disagree with is the idea that there is only one right way to heaven, and that anybody living can have that exactly figured out. I have also felt what I believe to be grace, and that has come when I have not been following any particular church's exact ideology.
God bless you all. I know that I have been blessed.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Day 9
A lot of hiking and walking today. No word from FW.
I am getting closer to being able to focus on a path forward. Still difficult.
Update: spoke too soon. Had a good cry this evening. Felt abandoned.
I am getting closer to being able to focus on a path forward. Still difficult.
Update: spoke too soon. Had a good cry this evening. Felt abandoned.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Day 8
Well, a full week since meeting with the divorce mediator. I'm in a lot better place mentally right now. I just realized that today is the first day I haven't cried in a long time. The sunrise was beautiful today on the commute. The still air meant some of the puddles I rode by were glass-smooth, and reflected the morning colors and the sun coming over the mountains. It was truly a great start to a great day.
Work went a lot more smoothly, and I made a ton of progress. I spoke briefly with FW on the phone, and things went well. I called to ask her advice on some pet products, and she was helpful, as expected. A friendly conversation, as friends would have.
She stopped by the house briefly mid-day while I was at work, to let the dogs play a little.
The mediator has sent us the financial disclosure forms, so I'll be working on those this weekend. Fun times.
Work went a lot more smoothly, and I made a ton of progress. I spoke briefly with FW on the phone, and things went well. I called to ask her advice on some pet products, and she was helpful, as expected. A friendly conversation, as friends would have.
She stopped by the house briefly mid-day while I was at work, to let the dogs play a little.
The mediator has sent us the financial disclosure forms, so I'll be working on those this weekend. Fun times.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Day 7
Felt better today. I am ready to think about what the engineering solution for this will be. I know I have some flaws, so I'm going to seek advice from friends, family, pop psychology books, and quite possibly professional counselors.
I will be a much better catch for the next woman. This one would not accept what I already have become and what I will continue to become. She is a lost cause. I owe it to the next love to do my best from now on.
I will be a much better catch for the next woman. This one would not accept what I already have become and what I will continue to become. She is a lost cause. I owe it to the next love to do my best from now on.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Day 6, the first trial and success
I had a bad feeling when I woke up. I was in a bad mood, angry at FW. I hoped the commute would make it wear off, but it didn't. I kept relapsing into being upset throughout the day, and hoping that things would not work out for her. Each time, I would try to be rational and let it go, understanding that if she were unhappy I would be at least equally so. Most of the commute home it persisted, then I just started channeling the bad energy into pedaling the bike. It worked. Surprised me how well it worked. The rest of the commute was a breeze.
FW stopped by to pick some stuff up just after I got home. I was in a great mood, so it took a lot of the tension away. I asked her if she is serious about wanting to be friends, and she said yes. I told her I would definitely like that. She said she would, too. Then she started talking about wanting to set me up with some acquaintances of hers. Umm, too soon for me, I think. She had mentioned it before, and I declined before. Just weird. Maybe she is in love, and thinks everybody else should be. Maybe she feels guilty. Maybe she has really gone off the deep end.
It was good to see her. Especially when I was in such a good mood. I'm proud of myself for getting through today.
FW stopped by to pick some stuff up just after I got home. I was in a great mood, so it took a lot of the tension away. I asked her if she is serious about wanting to be friends, and she said yes. I told her I would definitely like that. She said she would, too. Then she started talking about wanting to set me up with some acquaintances of hers. Umm, too soon for me, I think. She had mentioned it before, and I declined before. Just weird. Maybe she is in love, and thinks everybody else should be. Maybe she feels guilty. Maybe she has really gone off the deep end.
It was good to see her. Especially when I was in such a good mood. I'm proud of myself for getting through today.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Day 5, evening
FW and I spoke briefly on the phone. She is recovering from being sick. She asked to stop by briefly and pick up stuff. I told her of course, it's still her house. I said life is too short and precious to be mean to those you love.
My friend who had the stroke passed away this evening. Life is too short and precious to waste moments with emotions that will drag you down to bad places.
My friend who had the stroke passed away this evening. Life is too short and precious to waste moments with emotions that will drag you down to bad places.
Morning, Day 5
Pretty lonely. The dog knows this, and does a great job trying to to be company and comfort, but I miss having a woman around to love.
I expect today will have word from the mediator, and that will start to bring some clarity and continue the process of closure.
Not sure what my worth is. I need to get to a resolution and move on. Need to date or something. Weird dreams at night. Last night, dreamed that an older lady friend of my wife called me and asked how I was doing. She asked if we had a second honeymoon when we moved into this house. I said no. She said, "Then you two weren't really trying, were you?"
I should explain my 40 Days tag. I feel like God has carried me through a lot of this. I also feel like the spiritual enlightenment that has come from knowing God is there has kind of been for another reason as well. The enlightenment has been building my faith in God's presence and involvement to toughen me up, and preparing me to go through the real challenge. I don't know if this is the real challenge or not, but I assume it is. I picked 40 days because of its biblical significance and to give myself a realistic, but moderately distant target. I figured if, at the end of 40 days the divorce is official, then I need to start dating. In the meantime, I still take one day at a time, but I know there are a lot more tough days, and 40 days reminds me of how far I have gone and how far I have to go. I wish I had the wisdom to have a 40 day plan to better prepare myself and position myself for success. Maybe I'll draft that up today.
A final thought this morning, from a Google hit on "infidelity blog":
http://relationships.blog-city.com/women_rarely_feel_guilt_about_infidelity.htm
Sounds like somebody has been hurt pretty acutely. Mind you, I disagree with the generalization, and it does not strictly apply in my situation, since FW does feel remorse along with entitlement. She has suggested that she would like to hook me up with an acquaintance of hers. I don't know if this is to help her conscience or to help fulfill her responsibility to me. I imagine it is a bit of both. In any event, I don't think it's a good idea. Especially not right now. Very weird to have my wife part of a new relationship. We weren't just boyfriend and girlfriend, and this isn't high school.
I expect today will have word from the mediator, and that will start to bring some clarity and continue the process of closure.
Not sure what my worth is. I need to get to a resolution and move on. Need to date or something. Weird dreams at night. Last night, dreamed that an older lady friend of my wife called me and asked how I was doing. She asked if we had a second honeymoon when we moved into this house. I said no. She said, "Then you two weren't really trying, were you?"
I should explain my 40 Days tag. I feel like God has carried me through a lot of this. I also feel like the spiritual enlightenment that has come from knowing God is there has kind of been for another reason as well. The enlightenment has been building my faith in God's presence and involvement to toughen me up, and preparing me to go through the real challenge. I don't know if this is the real challenge or not, but I assume it is. I picked 40 days because of its biblical significance and to give myself a realistic, but moderately distant target. I figured if, at the end of 40 days the divorce is official, then I need to start dating. In the meantime, I still take one day at a time, but I know there are a lot more tough days, and 40 days reminds me of how far I have gone and how far I have to go. I wish I had the wisdom to have a 40 day plan to better prepare myself and position myself for success. Maybe I'll draft that up today.
A final thought this morning, from a Google hit on "infidelity blog":
http://relationships.blog-city.com/women_rarely_feel_guilt_about_infidelity.htm
Salvador Escobar opinion
"Cheating Wives Feel Little Guilt Over Sexual Affairs"
A more accurate statement is that women rarely feel guilt about infidelity, period.
Women, in fact, feel entitled to do it when they decide to take that route. Usually the reasons are emotional, irrational, and petty in origin. Common excuses for such horseshit are unavailability (usually because the partner is working to support the woman in question, not to mention kids), to prove a point, upgrading, and just plain nastiness. It nevers ceases to amaze me to profound amount of arrogance, immaturity and false entitlement that abounds in the actions of women when they chose to do this. Women may have the larger brains, but they also have the tiniest of integrity, logic, and class when it comes to being faithful, among other things.
Rather than clearly voice concerns as an adult would, women will often resort to hints, signals, and mindgames to justify cheating. Then when the secret's out, any woman will act like a child that's been told no at a toy store. Of course, we can't forget the insanity label that women are good for placing on others when they've been outed and their shit causes pain on the other party or parties. It's just sickening that women profess to be so much more ahead of men and yet are the equals of a toddler with Down Syndrome when it comes to dealing with any sort of personal responsibility.
Sounds like somebody has been hurt pretty acutely. Mind you, I disagree with the generalization, and it does not strictly apply in my situation, since FW does feel remorse along with entitlement. She has suggested that she would like to hook me up with an acquaintance of hers. I don't know if this is to help her conscience or to help fulfill her responsibility to me. I imagine it is a bit of both. In any event, I don't think it's a good idea. Especially not right now. Very weird to have my wife part of a new relationship. We weren't just boyfriend and girlfriend, and this isn't high school.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Day 4
FW finally responded somewhat today. I was getting worried that she might be really sick, since she was not doing too well the day we went to the mediator. She is OK, which is a relief. I don't need anymore information than that.
Went to work today. 13 hours away from home was probably not conducive to her feeling terribly connected. I now have 13 hours away from home, then an empty house. Well, there's the dog, and the dog is really good :) That poor dog now spends 13 hours alone, but she gets a walk and some snuggle time each day, and that seems to be enough for her. Who knows, though? I thought I was doing enough before...
Found out today that a friend had a massive stroke. My problems are really trivial. He and his wife still wanted to be together, and they are being torn apart. Now that's something worth crying about.
Status (FW = my soon-to-be former wife):
My mood today is: hopeful for the future, disappointed in myself for the past
My finances: uncertain
My relationship with FW: barely communicative, I am not mad or sad or hopeful
My relationship with FW's new lover: non-communicative
My relationship with FW's family: non-communcative
My friends' and family's relationship with FW: non-communicative, some resentment
My relationship with God: Total believer, stepping back away from deep spirituality to re-engage with living. Praying for my friend and his family
Went to work today. 13 hours away from home was probably not conducive to her feeling terribly connected. I now have 13 hours away from home, then an empty house. Well, there's the dog, and the dog is really good :) That poor dog now spends 13 hours alone, but she gets a walk and some snuggle time each day, and that seems to be enough for her. Who knows, though? I thought I was doing enough before...
Found out today that a friend had a massive stroke. My problems are really trivial. He and his wife still wanted to be together, and they are being torn apart. Now that's something worth crying about.
Status (FW = my soon-to-be former wife):
My mood today is: hopeful for the future, disappointed in myself for the past
My finances: uncertain
My relationship with FW: barely communicative, I am not mad or sad or hopeful
My relationship with FW's new lover: non-communicative
My relationship with FW's family: non-communcative
My friends' and family's relationship with FW: non-communicative, some resentment
My relationship with God: Total believer, stepping back away from deep spirituality to re-engage with living. Praying for my friend and his family
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Day 3, 37 to go.
My exact status as of right now is between having retained a mediator and having petitions and draft judgment paperwork filed. Friday was the day we retained the mediator. Day 1 in my numbering, because that's the day I think FW felt free to completely go over to her new lover.
FW was not hesitant at all. She was in a hurry to get the process done. She was very cold and distant. I really do hope she's happy. At this point, I just need clarity on my finances, so that I too can move on. She had been very insistent about wanting to remain friends and I felt the same way. She texted me as recently as last Sunday to make sure that I knew she would always be there for me if I needed to talk. She has not responded to the one text and voicemail I left with her since then. That's a shame.
One thing that I do know is that God is there for me, and things will be OK. I have felt in my recent conversations that God wants me to be the best person that I can be, and be kind and fair to her as she goes away and beyond. I have also felt that I was going to be tested. I will post more about my spiritual journey in the future.
FW was not hesitant at all. She was in a hurry to get the process done. She was very cold and distant. I really do hope she's happy. At this point, I just need clarity on my finances, so that I too can move on. She had been very insistent about wanting to remain friends and I felt the same way. She texted me as recently as last Sunday to make sure that I knew she would always be there for me if I needed to talk. She has not responded to the one text and voicemail I left with her since then. That's a shame.
One thing that I do know is that God is there for me, and things will be OK. I have felt in my recent conversations that God wants me to be the best person that I can be, and be kind and fair to her as she goes away and beyond. I have also felt that I was going to be tested. I will post more about my spiritual journey in the future.
Piecing Life Back Together
I don't know if anybody will ever see any of this, and I don't know if anybody will care. I just feel compelled to write, and for more than myself.
First, some background: I am a 33 year old, male engineer and my wife has just left me. That pretty much brings you up to speed with the important details. Further posts will inevitably add to my story.
I am still debating how much detail I will go into, but whatever I post will be true. I think I am inspired to post because I have been comforted in the past by stumbling across other people's blogs where they shared the details of the pain and frustration that they have experienced, and where anonymous posters have actually been of some help and formed a connection.
For now, until the divorce process is over and the healing process is well under way, I will probably be a bit coy with the details of what has happened in the past, and what is happening in the legal procedings, but concentrate more on my feelings as I go through the process.
I think that a quick overview of my status is a good running theme to see if these evolve over time.
Status (FW = my soon-to-be former wife):
My mood today is: hopeful for the future, disappointed in myself for the past
My finances: uncertain
My relationship with FW: non-communcative, I am not mad or sad or hopeful
My relationship with FW's new lover: non-communicative
My relationship with FW's family: non-communcative
My friends' and family's relationship with FW: non-communicative, some resentment
My relationship with God: Total believer, stepping back away from deep spirituality to re-engage with living.
Is anybody else reading this who has going through the same, or have you gone through the same? If you feel motivated to add your wisdom for me and the rest of the online world, then please comment. I won't bite.
I have found a couple of interesting blogs where people have shared similar experiences. One is http://louminatti.blogspot.com/, although he was never as detailed as I am prepared to be about this process. He also deleted his old blog partway through the process I think, eliminating the record of a lot of what he was feeling, a mistake that he now realizes. Occasionally, you see that he is dating again and a lot less depressed. From what I recall, he was physically sick from the emotional rollercoaster. I have also searched Google for similar blogs. I'll put links to them on the sidebar.
Feel free to comment. Generally, only abusive, spam, or posts in bad taste will be moderated.
First, some background: I am a 33 year old, male engineer and my wife has just left me. That pretty much brings you up to speed with the important details. Further posts will inevitably add to my story.
I am still debating how much detail I will go into, but whatever I post will be true. I think I am inspired to post because I have been comforted in the past by stumbling across other people's blogs where they shared the details of the pain and frustration that they have experienced, and where anonymous posters have actually been of some help and formed a connection.
For now, until the divorce process is over and the healing process is well under way, I will probably be a bit coy with the details of what has happened in the past, and what is happening in the legal procedings, but concentrate more on my feelings as I go through the process.
I think that a quick overview of my status is a good running theme to see if these evolve over time.
Status (FW = my soon-to-be former wife):
My mood today is: hopeful for the future, disappointed in myself for the past
My finances: uncertain
My relationship with FW: non-communcative, I am not mad or sad or hopeful
My relationship with FW's new lover: non-communicative
My relationship with FW's family: non-communcative
My friends' and family's relationship with FW: non-communicative, some resentment
My relationship with God: Total believer, stepping back away from deep spirituality to re-engage with living.
Is anybody else reading this who has going through the same, or have you gone through the same? If you feel motivated to add your wisdom for me and the rest of the online world, then please comment. I won't bite.
I have found a couple of interesting blogs where people have shared similar experiences. One is http://louminatti.blogspot.com/, although he was never as detailed as I am prepared to be about this process. He also deleted his old blog partway through the process I think, eliminating the record of a lot of what he was feeling, a mistake that he now realizes. Occasionally, you see that he is dating again and a lot less depressed. From what I recall, he was physically sick from the emotional rollercoaster. I have also searched Google for similar blogs. I'll put links to them on the sidebar.
Feel free to comment. Generally, only abusive, spam, or posts in bad taste will be moderated.
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