I expect today will have word from the mediator, and that will start to bring some clarity and continue the process of closure.
Not sure what my worth is. I need to get to a resolution and move on. Need to date or something. Weird dreams at night. Last night, dreamed that an older lady friend of my wife called me and asked how I was doing. She asked if we had a second honeymoon when we moved into this house. I said no. She said, "Then you two weren't really trying, were you?"
I should explain my 40 Days tag. I feel like God has carried me through a lot of this. I also feel like the spiritual enlightenment that has come from knowing God is there has kind of been for another reason as well. The enlightenment has been building my faith in God's presence and involvement to toughen me up, and preparing me to go through the real challenge. I don't know if this is the real challenge or not, but I assume it is. I picked 40 days because of its biblical significance and to give myself a realistic, but moderately distant target. I figured if, at the end of 40 days the divorce is official, then I need to start dating. In the meantime, I still take one day at a time, but I know there are a lot more tough days, and 40 days reminds me of how far I have gone and how far I have to go. I wish I had the wisdom to have a 40 day plan to better prepare myself and position myself for success. Maybe I'll draft that up today.
A final thought this morning, from a Google hit on "infidelity blog":
http://relationships.blog-city.com/women_rarely_feel_guilt_about_infidelity.htm
Salvador Escobar opinion
"Cheating Wives Feel Little Guilt Over Sexual Affairs"
A more accurate statement is that women rarely feel guilt about infidelity, period.
Women, in fact, feel entitled to do it when they decide to take that route. Usually the reasons are emotional, irrational, and petty in origin. Common excuses for such horseshit are unavailability (usually because the partner is working to support the woman in question, not to mention kids), to prove a point, upgrading, and just plain nastiness. It nevers ceases to amaze me to profound amount of arrogance, immaturity and false entitlement that abounds in the actions of women when they chose to do this. Women may have the larger brains, but they also have the tiniest of integrity, logic, and class when it comes to being faithful, among other things.
Rather than clearly voice concerns as an adult would, women will often resort to hints, signals, and mindgames to justify cheating. Then when the secret's out, any woman will act like a child that's been told no at a toy store. Of course, we can't forget the insanity label that women are good for placing on others when they've been outed and their shit causes pain on the other party or parties. It's just sickening that women profess to be so much more ahead of men and yet are the equals of a toddler with Down Syndrome when it comes to dealing with any sort of personal responsibility.
Sounds like somebody has been hurt pretty acutely. Mind you, I disagree with the generalization, and it does not strictly apply in my situation, since FW does feel remorse along with entitlement. She has suggested that she would like to hook me up with an acquaintance of hers. I don't know if this is to help her conscience or to help fulfill her responsibility to me. I imagine it is a bit of both. In any event, I don't think it's a good idea. Especially not right now. Very weird to have my wife part of a new relationship. We weren't just boyfriend and girlfriend, and this isn't high school.
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