The in-between

I did pretty well for the rest of the 40 days since the last post...

Day 40 passed almost without incident on November 24. Almost. At about 11:40PM, my phone rang. I was already asleep and didn't get it in time. I saw the number, and didn't immediately recognize it in my haze. I hit send to dial it back, and just as it dialed, I realized whose number it is. FW's boyfriend's number! I let it ring, and who picks up, but FW. Somewhat embarrassed, she tells me that she mis-dialed my number while trying to call her phone (our numbers differ by the trailing digit) because she got a new ring tone. She apologizes, then I say OK and we say goodnight. UNBELIEVABLE. She knew nothing of my 40 day campaign (I think), so this was just kind of serendipity. There is an interesting symmetry in that I found out about the nature of this relationship when she accidentally sent me a text that as meant for him. The message I got then as I did now was God telling me that I can let her go.

There were three more signs that evening. The first was that I checked my email since I was awake and found that I had received a response to an online dating email that I had sent. I take that as another sign from God to move on... The second was that a little before 1AM FW's boyfriend sent an apologetic text message, obviously very embarrassed and a bit ashamed, assuring me that this would not happen again (as if this was within his control...). I don't know what that means, but it is interesting. The final sign was that overnight my aunt in Portugal, who happens to be a nun, sent me a nice, unsolicited email, wishing me a blessing. Amazing. I perhaps read too much into these events, but I have experienced enough other unusual phenomena that I cannot discount the evidence of God.

The next morning, I sent FW's boyfriend a return text telling him no worries, and that I completely understand.

So I am now moving on with my life, trying my hand at the online dating thing (yuck) with a don't touch-me-with-a-10-foot-pole relationship status that reads "currently separated," until the divorce becomes final, at which point I will gladly change it to "divorced" and keep trying.

So, I will post a little about what it means to try and date for me, and I will try to keep things focused on myself and not expose details of anybody else's life. That is, unless I run across something epically bad or astoundingly wonderful. Then I will be as discrete as I can.

I found some interesting dating blogs, and I will share links to them in another post.

Day 10, Sunday worship

I went to a local church today. FW and I had gone maybe a dozen times when trying to find a church. The music is decent, but not perfect, and that was a turn off for her. The music was also getting progressively louder, and was painful at times. FW is such a talented singer, but hates to perform in public (at least whenever I was in her life). It's a shame, since she has an amazing gift. Anyway, back to the church service...

The other thing that we found disappointing about the church is that the message is often made a little more pop-culture than it needs to be. I felt that the pastor was pretty interesting, and actually dove pretty deep at times, so I decided to go back. I think that I liked what I saw. They moved into a new facility, and seem to be developing a community. I will be going back on Wednesday for their bible study service. I can't say that I agree completely with the pastor's teachings, and disagreed on a few, based upon my own relationship with God. In the past, I wold let that be enough to declare my Sundays better spent elsewhere, but not now. I am content to listen to other viewpoints and experiences, and consider whether or not I feel like there is new insight from them, without judging the messengers.

There is another church, smaller, also in town, that has some of the same feel, maybe with a little less mass-market pop to it, and I'll probably go to some of their Sunday services as well. The worship services are at exactly the same time, so I can't do a double header, and must choose one or the other. I might do Sundays with the smaller one and Wednesdays with the larger one from time to time. I need to get engaged in a community. I also need to find or make some volunteer opportunities. I feel like I need to give something to this world beyond my day job.

It probably blows many people's minds to think of attending two or more churches as an ongoing thing, but I don't see it as a heresy. One of the things that I disagree with is the idea that there is only one right way to heaven, and that anybody living can have that exactly figured out. I have also felt what I believe to be grace, and that has come when I have not been following any particular church's exact ideology.

God bless you all. I know that I have been blessed.

Day 4

FW finally responded somewhat today. I was getting worried that she might be really sick, since she was not doing too well the day we went to the mediator. She is OK, which is a relief. I don't need anymore information than that.

Went to work today. 13 hours away from home was probably not conducive to her feeling terribly connected. I now have 13 hours away from home, then an empty house. Well, there's the dog, and the dog is really good :) That poor dog now spends 13 hours alone, but she gets a walk and some snuggle time each day, and that seems to be enough for her. Who knows, though? I thought I was doing enough before...

Found out today that a friend had a massive stroke. My problems are really trivial. He and his wife still wanted to be together, and they are being torn apart. Now that's something worth crying about.

Status (FW = my soon-to-be former wife):
My mood today is: hopeful for the future, disappointed in myself for the past
My finances: uncertain
My relationship with FW: barely communicative, I am not mad or sad or hopeful
My relationship with FW's new lover: non-communicative
My relationship with FW's family: non-communcative
My friends' and family's relationship with FW: non-communicative, some resentment
My relationship with God: Total believer, stepping back away from deep spirituality to re-engage with living. Praying for my friend and his family

Day 3, 37 to go.

My exact status as of right now is between having retained a mediator and having petitions and draft judgment paperwork filed. Friday was the day we retained the mediator. Day 1 in my numbering, because that's the day I think FW felt free to completely go over to her new lover.

FW was not hesitant at all. She was in a hurry to get the process done. She was very cold and distant. I really do hope she's happy. At this point, I just need clarity on my finances, so that I too can move on. She had been very insistent about wanting to remain friends and I felt the same way. She texted me as recently as last Sunday to make sure that I knew she would always be there for me if I needed to talk. She has not responded to the one text and voicemail I left with her since then. That's a shame.

One thing that I do know is that God is there for me, and things will be OK. I have felt in my recent conversations that God wants me to be the best person that I can be, and be kind and fair to her as she goes away and beyond. I have also felt that I was going to be tested. I will post more about my spiritual journey in the future.